Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Stuck, Stuck Stuck.

Stuck, stuck stuck. What an appropriate title for all aspects of my life these days. Artistically I have been feeling completely uninspired. I had a 3 hour gestational diabetes test today, requiring multiple blood draws. And I feel stuck in my messy house with no hope in sight for things to get better soon.

Since I completed the painting "Hogan the Bricklayer" I have not felt any inspiration to get back into painting. I want to very much but I don't have that "Lets get 'er done" feeling to drive production. When I do spend time in my studio I end up piddling around with scrap booking or just hanging out with no particular achievements. I am not sure exactly why I am in this slump or entirely how to get out of it. I am very much looking forward to having a regular painting class to attend again in June. The routine of pulling out my paints weekly with the time dedicated to painting and the expectations of others looking on expecting progress should help me get going. Hopefully I will be able to have the energy and still remain comfortable as my expanding Belly continues to grow.

I will probably be relying heavily on my neighbors kind babysitting in order to allow me to get to painting class. My husbands work schedule has expanded to ridiculous proportions. He works tons of overtime, has his days off canceled, and weekly is away on trips, all with hardly any warning. It is very difficult for me to not be able to plan anything involving him. When It seems like we might have a small window of time together they either call at the last minute with something he has to do or he is so exhausted from all of the work that he sleeps all day to recuperate. Sleeping all day is probably the hardest on me, because I keep waiting around hoping that the kids will get to spend some time with him, and becoming increasingly frustrated that he is in the house but unavailable.

I have been feeling major nesting urges but lack the time, energy or manpower to follow through. Keeping dishes done, kids fed and the house slightly picked up takes every ounce of energy I have. With no weekend breaks where I am freed up to devote more energy to projects, nothing else is getting accomplished. The messes are driving me nuts and I just want to tackle them but I never have opportunities to get to those piles of winter hats and gloves in the hallway  or the regular picking up of books in the kids room. I just would love to have my whole house clean, every little area of mess is grinding in to my nerves but I cannot get to it.

I cannot get comfortable at night. I have been sleeping in the Guest bedroom because I toss and turn so much my husband cannot get a good nights sleep and his snoring drives me insane as I lie wide awake beside him. I have found that I cannot fall asleep on our regular mattress even when he is away on a trip, but the guest bedroom mattress makes my hips ache. I guess It is better to be slightly rested and achy the next day than completely exhausted.  I guess it is not working tonight as I am writing this blog at 3:30 in the morning in an effort to get my racing thoughts out of my head.

Today's doctors appointment was very frustrating. I gained 9 lbs since last month and that is way too much. With the weight loss from the first trimester I am only up 7 lbs from my pre-pregnancy weight but rapid weight gain like that is not good. I was hoping to keep my weight gain about 15-20 lbs but at this rate, and three months to go that would not happen. With my first Pregnancy I gained 40+ lbs and it was very hard to get off. With my second pregnancy I had Gestational Diabetes and the strict diet helped me keep my weight gain on the low side.

Since I had Gestational Diabetes before, I decided to skip the 1 hour glucose test and take the 3 hour test. It is hard enough to find one day when I can leave the kids at home. Since my husband was available, although dead tired from working 36 hours without sleep, I was able to take advantage of the opportunity to stay longer and get the test over with. Apparently I was dehydrated because the nurse kept on missing my veins. I ended up getting STUCK 6 times for 4 blood draws. It was not more because after the first two extra punctures I was guzzling water like crazy. My arms are achy and bruised.

I have mixed feelings about getting the results. On the one hand I don't want to have gestational diabetes and I don't want to have to prick my finger 4 times a day to monitor it. BUT the regimented eating plan was very good for me last time and I need the motivation of a diagnosis to make me stick to it. I have very little self control when it comes to sticking to a healthy eating schedule unless forced. Perhaps If I do not have GD I should look on it as a spiritual exercise, and try to make this an opportunity to practice self control.  It is so hard when I just crave sugary carbs!

 The only thing I have gotten done in the last few weeks was creating this home management center.

I hope that I get a chance to tackle both some art work and some nesting projects soon, but frankly do not know when it is going to happen. Will keep you posted if I have any results.

And just one cheery picture to send you away. Not all is gloom and complaints, I have two wonderful children who surprise me everyday with sweetness and love and they have two great friends to share adventures with. Playgroup is a source of love and support that keeps me going when I feel down. Thank you Girls.