I have been putting in many hours a week at painting and marketing and business building. Last week I worked for almost 30 hours. Those thirty hours use up as much time and energy as a paying job but currently are not yielding financial gain. Because the work I am doing does not make money it is hard to consider it a job yet. Therefore I am still "Just a housewife" and as such I have no excuse for the state of chaos in my house.
My husband came home earlier than I expected today and the kitchen was a mess and the laundry was in folded piles on the kitchen table. I was napping in an effort to catch up on the sleep I have missed from staying up past midnight every night painting. I felt horrible that he came home to such a mess. He got to work and the kitchen was clean in no time but that does not make me feel better.
If I had an away from home job, a paying job it would be easier to explain the messes. But then the house would be empty for most of the day and the messes would not accumulate. I do not know whether I should be pouring so much energy into this dream of being a profitable artist, or if I should spend my days doing endless jobs around the house.
I sometimes wish that it came more naturally to me to keep everything picked up and to dash around busy all day cleaning but I get distracted by kiddos who need attention and hugs. And I get distracted by paintings waiting to be painted and the dream of being an Artist. An artist who can support my family by painting. An Artist who can be at home for my children when they need them and fit painting somewhere into this life as a mother.
Really Mother and Artist are not the roles I have a hard time co-mingling. It is the role of Housekeeper and Cook that do not always seem to fit in with everything else, and also maybe sometimes the role of Wife. It is hard to spend time with my husband when I paint every night until well after he is asleep.
Currently on the easel is Ballerina, she has changed since this picture but is coming along. At 30x30 this is a large piece for me after the 10x10 paintings.